Attention all Grinches, Scrooges and Hum-bugs: be warned, the Kinetic Paranormal Society is on the case! Racing in our magical wardrobe across Humboldt in the 2014 Kinetic Grand Championship, “Grinch Hunters!” was, as usual, more than just a theme.

With brightest light and loudest sound,
No frown shall escape being turned upside down!
Let those who worship the Grinch’s crown
Beware our silver lining cloud!

Learn more about Grinches and other Class Nine Paranormal Entities in the KPS Paranormal Guide #6

The Kinetic Paranormal Society: Paranormal Identification Guide #6

Grinches, Scrooges and Other Class Nine Paranormal Entities 

Kinetics Week-End is always the highest quality fun found on this side of the Andromeda Galaxy. Thanks in part to participants like yourself, paranormal threats can be quickly identified and dealt with.

Please use this handy identification guide to do your own paranormal investigating.

Most paranormal threats to racers and spectators are not visible to the untrained eye. As you hone your paranormal abilities you will find that visual confirmation of paranormal threats is unnecessary since they usually can be detected by the attitudes of surrounding people.

This guide will help you become familiar with Class Nine Paranormal Entities. These include, but are not limited to Grinches, Scrooges, Humbugs, and Shoulder-Chips. Be sure every member of your party has read this guide thoroughly and is familiar with techniques to ward away and expel these entities. You and your friends are the last line of defense and the entire race is counting on you…no pressure.

Class 9: Non-corporeal Parasitic Entities

Like most paranormal beings, Class Nine entities inhabit a host and exhibit control through thoughts that the host assumes are his/her own. These thoughts start off as seemingly indifferent but can soon take on an annoyed or dissatisfied quality. When left unchecked, they will be expressed outwardly. It is through the outward expression of these negative thoughts that these entities spread from one host to another. If you are concerned that you or someone you are close to is already a host of one of these entities, re-read this entire sentence out loud in the silliest voice you can muster and then continue reading the rest of this Identification Guide in any chosen voice or character.

Grinches

Scrooges

Humbugs

Shoulder Chips

Hoobaloos

Grinches

Grumpus Frownus

Grinches are most known by their frown. Those burdened with a Grinch will find the corners of their mouths unbearably heavy. Comments from hosts will often be limited to complaints and/or simply grunting and muttering.

Treatment:

Grinches can be difficult to remove as they can use the fun-loving energy of those around them to fuel their grumpy attitude. For this reason, they must be coerced and brought into the folds of your group. Try entrusting those infected by grinches with responsibilities. Small responsibilities at first are recommended followed by progressively more helpful ones. The more helpful a Grinch-laden person can be, the better.  The combination of inclusiveness and the pride in helping others will cause their heart and bowels to swell, dislodging the grinch. Be sure to encourage them with supportive words to continue inflating their sense of self-worth and completely expel the grinch.

Scrooges

Ebineazius Scroungus

Scrooges are associated with stinginess toward money, though they do not limit themselves to just money. Those hosting a Scrooge will be reluctant to offer any resources such as time, money, or enthusiasm that may contribute to themselves or others having fun. They will continuously speak out against the slightest effort and chime in with discouraging comments oftentimes containing sarcasm.

Treatment:

The removal of a Scrooge from their host is achieved by following the old adage, “Drown them in honey.” It is very important to emphasize that it be proverbial honey; literal honey is lethal in this quantity and proverbial sugar is insufficient for the treatment of scrooges. Both proverbial honey and proverbial sugar are proverbially sweet, yet the honey is something more than simply sweet. What is vital is that they be given an excessive amount of kindnesses that have no market value; a daisy chain, artwork given by a small child, hugs, kisses, a mixtape, et cetera. Do not relent from relishing them in kindness. Scrooges have burrs and can be reluctant to let go. The constant stream of honey will eventually dislodge them. 

Pro-tip: for unusually difficult cases a stream of “proverbially honey” will not suffice and you must bombard the Scrooge with a tidal wave of said honey in the form of nostalgia. When possible, utilize the availability of old family photos, reminiscences of the good’ol days, and the invaluable resources of a close family member/friend who knew the Scrooge-infested victim as a young child. When all else fails, remind them of their imminent doom if they succumb to the atrociousness of a deep-seated Scrooge infection (i.e. a faux gravestone with their name on it and a visit to the local cemetery on a dark & foggy night may be in order).

Humbugs

Bah Humbugius

Humbugs are often thought to be associated with Class Three, Pixies, Pans, Pucks and other Trickster Entities, though they are in reality most closely related to Class Nine Parasitic Entities. They will inhabit an unsuspecting host for a time inciting them to prank those around them and find pleasure in the suffering of others. For this reason, it can be challenging to identify humbugs as they are often smiling and even laughing. Instead, they must be identified by observing the continuous stream of people walking away from them with faces contorted into sour expressions. When droves of people are found, all with a bad experience, it is common to find a Humbug at the epicenter.

Treatment:

Humbugs should be approached with caution. Their outward appearance of having fun can make those not laughing with them appear to be stodgy and unfun. Try incorporating them into your own humor. Laugh with them and redirect the punchline of their joke. If you have an extra cookie on you, offer it to them. When they take the cookie be sure to pat them on the head. Note: Head patting is very important here. It must be done after the cookie has been received and must not be condescending. If all else fails, call on the disciplinary powers of the Hindu goddess Durga and be sure to burn sage around yourself afterward.

Shoulder Chips

Clavicius Chipius

A shoulder chip is usually considered one of the most benign of noncorporeal parasitic beings though it is not to be underestimated and when left untreated can tear friendships and families apart. They are attracted by hurt feelings and quickly leech onto emotional injuries. Due to their sticky nature, they cause one to hold onto memories of bad experiences and repeat them in their head. The shoulder chip cultivates these bad memories and taints them with blame. As they mature, the chip will harvest these blame-ridden thoughts and store them in its membrane sack, or as it is commonly referred to, its grudge. It is possible to have more than one shoulder chip, each with multiple grudges. It is possible for a large number of shoulder chips to develop within a single host. This is called a hive. If a hive develops, the host will lose all friends and social contacts and is extremely unlikely to be at the Kinetic Grand Championship.

Treatment:

Shoulder chips are rigid creatures and can be removed using vibrations and frequencies that disrupt their metaphysical structure. The appropriate counter frequency of a shoulder chip is forgiveness. To forgive a shoulder chip one must exercise compassion. For example, consider that the host has been repeatedly injured and is under the impression that the shoulder chip’s grudge is protecting them from further injury.

Be careful not to give too much energy to the treatment of a shoulder chip. Unlike scrooges, these parasitic entities and will garner energy from excessive attention. Simply forgive the chip and its host and move on. Only the host can truly expel the chip by modeling forgiveness themselves. Kinetics Week-End is an excellent opportunity to rid oneself of any shoulder chips, the vibrational frequency of Glory is strong enough to remove even the nastiest hive of shoulder chips.

Hoobaloo

Major Painius Inthearsius

Hoobaloos will attach themselves to someone who is taking the responsibility of a fun event entirely too seriously. These victims will gradually find their Glory and Pep replaced by resentment and spite. Kinetic team captains and race officials can be especially susceptible to these paranormal entities. Hoobaloos are potentially dangerous if not identified and treated before they explode, as the shrapnel from the explosion can cause injuries that can potentially be infected by shoulder chips. Outward symptoms of a Hoobaloo can vary. For example, a host may attempt to express themselves in desperate speeches, maniacal laughter, and frayed edges.

Treatment:

Most team captains and prestigious officials are experienced enough to handle the early signs of Hoobaloo onset through employing compassion, understanding and of course, Rule A, Amusement. If you have reason to believe you are in the company of a Hoobaloo you can help rid them of the entity by having fun with it: stand in attention and salute the host when you see he/she enter and exit the room, begin and end sentences directed toward he/she with sir, beg for mercy. Determine which absurd displays of obedience are best for your particular hoobaloo and have fun with it.

A Note on Lizard People

There has been much recent debate on the existence of lizard people. Conspiracy theorists posit that lizard people are heartless, shape-shifting anthropods that have infiltrated our world governments and are bent on destroying humanity.

To address this claim we must first examine our definition of human. Based on linguistic roots we will define “human” as one who attempts to be humane. (It is an impossible goal to reach but well worth the effort.) By this definition Koko the gorilla qualifies and yet some homo sapiens are excluded from the category of human. These homo sapiens who put no effort into being humane are relying on their survival instincts alone to take care of themselves and are, as a result, lizard people. This explains how it is that lizard people have infiltrated governments, as they attempt to appear human for the sake of being elected rather than the sake of being humane.

Be warned, by writing off any potential human as a lizard person you yourself will instantly be not putting up as much effort to be humane as is needed to be classified as human.

In summary, lizard people, by their nature are especially susceptible to noncorporeal parasitic entities, almost to the point of creating a vacuum to harbor them in. Anyone can at any given moment expel their class nine paranormal entities as well as an array of other paranormal threats by repeatedly making efforts to be humane. There is always hope. There is always glory.

Let’s get Kinetic!